A wife
went on holiday
leaving the husband
behind. The husband
got so Hot one day
that he decided to try the maid who
had just come from
Nsukka village and who
seemed clever. ... He
called the maid to his
bedroom where he had taken off his pants,
he
pointed to his manhood
when the maid arrived.
Husband: Do you know
what this is?
Maid: (actin Shy) Yes Husband: Do you know
what it s for?
Maid:Yes
Husband: show me.
The maid immediately
dropped to her knees held the item with both
hands
drew
closer and opened her
mouth.
The husband
was shivering with anticipation .
The maid
then began,"My name is
Chinasa , I'm 23 years
old and I'm from
Nsukka. I
want to make a shout- out to my parents,mr
and mrs Chigozie, my
uncle, Broda
NnamdI aka' chop my
money and MY auntY,
MRS IFEOMA, I would also
like to tell my boyfriend
Johnny that I miss him.
Can u play me Ashawo
by Flavour Nabania?"
Then finally says to the man," Sir,take your
microphone I'm
through...
Featured 1
Funny Photos
Featured 2
Hilarious Photos
Featured 3
Curabitur et lectus vitae purus tincidunt laoreet sit amet ac ipsum. Proin tincidunt mattis nisi a scelerisque. Aliquam placerat dapibus eros non ullamcorper. Integer interdum ullamcorper venenatis. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.
Featured 4
Curabitur et lectus vitae purus tincidunt laoreet sit amet ac ipsum. Proin tincidunt mattis nisi a scelerisque. Aliquam placerat dapibus eros non ullamcorper. Integer interdum ullamcorper venenatis. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.
Featured 5
Curabitur et lectus vitae purus tincidunt laoreet sit amet ac ipsum. Proin tincidunt mattis nisi a scelerisque. Aliquam placerat dapibus eros non ullamcorper. Integer interdum ullamcorper venenatis. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, 1 February 2014
Why I Stopped Dating Girls...
WHY I STOPPED DATING SCHOOL
GIRLS:
She came to my place in a school
uniform, looked
me into my eyes & said "Sweetheart,
I have missed
my periods...". Thats how I fainted &
when I woke
up in a hosipital, I over heard her
telling the nurse
that "I didn't know he cared so much
about my academic life, all I wanted
to tell him was that I had
missed my periods for Maths &
English, but he
fainted before I could finish".......
Labels:
Funny jokes •
jokes
Once Upon A Time, Time, Time, Big Chief And Little Chief Went To A Party
Once upon a time, a very long time ago, big chief and little chief went to a party where they had a good time. There was plenty to eat and drink
Big Chief in particular ate and drank to his heart content. He was by nature a jolly fellow.
However, the next day, the party had taken its toll.
Little Chief had to go see the medicine man and said to him, "Big Chief, No shi.t
Medicine man replied, " Oh, he must have constipation. Here take this concoction and give it to him. He'll be okay in no time".
Little Chief departed.
However, Little Chief was back the next day and said the same thing again, "Big Chief, No shi.t"
The medicine was a bit surprised, " So Big Chief is still constipated. His problem is more serious than I thought. You know what? Here are a lot more concoctions for him to take. This will definitely relieve him."
Then Little Chief departed.
Again, Little Chief was back the next day with the same statement," Big Chief, No Shi.t"
The medicine man was astounded. He had never seen anything like this before in all his years of practice. If he could not treat common constipation, he'd be the laughing stock of the village and his peers. He'd probably be banished. He decided to empty the store.
"Here, Little Chief", he said, "Take all these concoctions and herbs. I guarantee you it'll work. If it doesn't then there's no hope".
Little Chief departed.
However, Little Chief was back the next day. This time he was trembling and not his normal self. There was anxiety clearly written all over his face. He tried to speak but the words could not come out.
The medicine too was worried at the point. He bellowed at Little Chief," Whats wrong. Speak out! Is Big Chief Fine? Is he okay now? Speak up Chief whats wrong! You're getting me worked up!"
Little Chief looked at the medicine man and with his arms stretched wide, and voice quivering said," Big Shi.t, No Chief!"
culled from http://www.nairaland.com/1614527/once-upon-time-time-time
Labels:
Funny jokes •
jokes
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Akpos and The Mathematics Question..
In a Maths competition, a question was asked;
Prove that 2/10 = 2.
Japanese student: Wrong question.
Chinese student: No Way.
American student: It's strange, how is it possible?
African legend Akpos solved it very easily:
Two / Ten
= wo / en
( T with T cancel )
w = 23rd letter
o = 15th letter
e = 5th letter
n = 14th letter
So,
23+15 / 5+14
= 38 / 19
= 2.
Prove that 2/10 = 2.
Japanese student: Wrong question.
Chinese student: No Way.
American student: It's strange, how is it possible?
African legend Akpos solved it very easily:
Two / Ten
= wo / en
( T with T cancel )
w = 23rd letter
o = 15th letter
e = 5th letter
n = 14th letter
So,
23+15 / 5+14
= 38 / 19
= 2.
Mr Afoka and Johnny..
One day at the end of class, a
teacher Mr.
Ofoka asked the whole class to go
home and
think of a story and then conclude
the moral of
that story.
The following day Mr. Ofoka came
into the class
and asked for the first volunteer
to tell their story.
little Suzy raises her hand and was
asked to go
ahead. "My dad owns a farm and
every Sunday we load
the chicken eggs on the truck and
drive into town
to sell them at the market. Well,
one Sunday we
hit a big bump and all the eggs
flew out of the
basket and onto the road."
Then Mr. Afoka asked for the
moral lesson of the
story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all
your eggs in one
basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad
owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them
in the incubator. Last weekend
only 8 of the 12
eggs hatched."
Mr. Afoka also asked for the moral
lesson of the
story. Lucy replied "Don't count
your eggs before
they're hatched."
The last person was little johnny.
Johnny started like this: "My uncle
Tedra
fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He
jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of
beer, a machine gun and a
machete. On the way
down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately,
he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot
70 with
his machine gun, but ran
out of bullets, so he pulled out his
machete and
killed 20 more. The blade of his
machete broke,
so he killed the last ten with his
bare hands".
Mr. Afoka looked at johnny in
shock and asked if
there is possibly any moral lesson
to his story.
Johnny replied, "Don't Bleep with
uncle Tedra when he's
been drinking!"
teacher Mr.
Ofoka asked the whole class to go
home and
think of a story and then conclude
the moral of
that story.
The following day Mr. Ofoka came
into the class
and asked for the first volunteer
to tell their story.
little Suzy raises her hand and was
asked to go
ahead. "My dad owns a farm and
every Sunday we load
the chicken eggs on the truck and
drive into town
to sell them at the market. Well,
one Sunday we
hit a big bump and all the eggs
flew out of the
basket and onto the road."
Then Mr. Afoka asked for the
moral lesson of the
story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all
your eggs in one
basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad
owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them
in the incubator. Last weekend
only 8 of the 12
eggs hatched."
Mr. Afoka also asked for the moral
lesson of the
story. Lucy replied "Don't count
your eggs before
they're hatched."
The last person was little johnny.
Johnny started like this: "My uncle
Tedra
fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He
jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of
beer, a machine gun and a
machete. On the way
down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately,
he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot
70 with
his machine gun, but ran
out of bullets, so he pulled out his
machete and
killed 20 more. The blade of his
machete broke,
so he killed the last ten with his
bare hands".
Mr. Afoka looked at johnny in
shock and asked if
there is possibly any moral lesson
to his story.
Johnny replied, "Don't Bleep with
uncle Tedra when he's
been drinking!"
One Word For Johnny
Johnny went to an electronic store, he asked
the storekeeper "what is the price of this TV?"
The storekeeper answered "we don't sell our
products to Johnny."
Johnny came again the next
day cutting his beard and asked "what is
the price of this TV?"
The storekeeper replied
"we don't sell our products to Johnny".
The next day johnny came with a different face
and asked "what is the price of this TV?"
The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our
products to Johnny."
Finally Johnny got irritated
and asked the shopkeeper "how do you
recognise me every time?"
The storekeeper
replied "because this is not a TV it is
Microwave Oven!"
the storekeeper "what is the price of this TV?"
The storekeeper answered "we don't sell our
products to Johnny."
Johnny came again the next
day cutting his beard and asked "what is
the price of this TV?"
The storekeeper replied
"we don't sell our products to Johnny".
The next day johnny came with a different face
and asked "what is the price of this TV?"
The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our
products to Johnny."
Finally Johnny got irritated
and asked the shopkeeper "how do you
recognise me every time?"
The storekeeper
replied "because this is not a TV it is
Microwave Oven!"
LMFAO..!!!
A wife
went on holiday
leaving the husband
behind. The husband
got so Hot one day
that he decided to try the maid who
had just come from
Nsukka village and who
seemed clever. ... He
called the maid to his
bedroom where he had taken off his pants,
he
pointed to his manhood
when the maid arrived.
went on holiday
leaving the husband
behind. The husband
got so Hot one day
that he decided to try the maid who
had just come from
Nsukka village and who
seemed clever. ... He
called the maid to his
bedroom where he had taken off his pants,
he
pointed to his manhood
when the maid arrived.
Husband: Do you know
what this is?
Maid: (actin Shy) Yes Husband: Do you know
what it s for?
Maid:Yes
Husband: show me.
(The
maid immediately
dropped to her knees held the item with both
hands
drew
closer and opened her
mouth). The husband
was shivering with anticipation .
maid immediately
dropped to her knees held the item with both
hands
drew
closer and opened her
mouth). The husband
was shivering with anticipation .
The maid
then began,"My name is
Chinasa , I'm 23 years
old and I'm from
Nsukka. I
want to make a shout- out to my parents,mr
and mrs Chigozie, my
uncle, Brother
Nnamdi aka' chop my
money and my aunty,
MRS IFEOMA, I would also
like to tell my boyfriend
Johnny that I miss him.
Can u play me Ashawo
by Flavour Nabania?"
Then finally says to the man," Sir,take your
microphone I'm
through...
then began,"My name is
Chinasa , I'm 23 years
old and I'm from
Nsukka. I
want to make a shout- out to my parents,mr
and mrs Chigozie, my
uncle, Brother
Nnamdi aka' chop my
money and my aunty,
MRS IFEOMA, I would also
like to tell my boyfriend
Johnny that I miss him.
Can u play me Ashawo
by Flavour Nabania?"
Then finally says to the man," Sir,take your
microphone I'm
through...
John and Grace (HILARIOUS)
John: baby am gonna tell you a story
with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts.
Grace: alright love.
John: okay am gonna start wth part 1.
There was a husband n a wife, they
were driving to a camp site wen they
came upon a split road. The husband
says "lets take the left one. The wife
say i thnk we shuld take the right
road." The husband slaps the wife
across the face "whose driving me or
u?" and they took the left path.
Grace: hahahahaha..
John: now am gonna tell you part 2.
Once they got to the camp the
husband goes fishing so his wife can
cook dinner. He comes back and the
wife says "good now i can cook fish
soup for us to eat." The husband says
"but i wanna eat fried fish." The wife
slaps the husband n says "who is
cooking me or u?" and the ended up
drinking fish soup.
Grace: oh crap! Hahaha
John: now am gonna tell you part 4.
Grace: what about part 3?
John: (landed grace a hot slap on the
face) who is telling the story me or
you?
Monday, 9 September 2013
Don Meon Featuring Snoop Dogg**Hilarious**
*** Imagine snoop dogg giving don moen a back up, on the song “above all” . He’ll probably say.
Don Meon : Crucified.
Snoop dogg: yea u waz cruxfied like crucifix.
Don : Layed behind d stone.
Snoop dogg : yeah n.i.g.g.a, dey laid ur sory a.r.s.e behind a gaddamn stone!
Don : HE LIVED TO DIE.
Snoop Dogg : yeah Zap d niggaz who wun’t live a nigga who prolly lived 2 dee aI eee.
Don : rejected and alone.
Snoop dogg : yeah! nt a lady, nt a Naughty Lady ,nt a stripper 2 call his own! U dig?
Don : Like a rose
snoop Dogg : Like Rosay and all mayback music .
Don : Trampled on the ground.
Snoop dogg : yeah we gon ,tramp’l his fat coke stuffed a.r.s.e to the ground, mo’fu.c.ker.
Don : i’ve had enough, i don’t want u in ma song again.
Snoop : (laughs) uh uh! There ain’t no way, dat gonna happ’n tissue watt homie.
Don. : (terribly angry yells)now u get the Zap out of my music ! NI.G.G.A!!!
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Football Sex
1. Going to your bf/gf without being invited = OFFSIDE.
2. Dating a girl today and having sex on the same day = FREE-KICK.
3. Condom = GOALKEEPER
4. Condom breaks = PENALTY
5. Abortion = RED CARD
6. A girl with lots of energy = CAPTAIN
7. Having sex without a condom = OWN GOAL
8. Taking a lot of time without cuming = MAN OF THE MATCH.
9. Banging 3 girls in a day = HAT-TRICK.
10. Having many chicks and banging all = MVP
11. Having sex with your ex = FRIENDLY MATCH
12. 8 years of sex without getting a child = ARSENAL
13. After 2 rounds, you request for more =EXTRA TIME.
14. Taking it gently when having sex = FAIR PLAY
15. Biting her nipples = SUAREZ
16.Two legs on shoulder = THROWING
17. Asking her 'how do you want it' = Taking instructions on the sideline.
18. A lady using pills after sex and later still got pregnant = DEFENSIVE ERROR
19.Girl being pregnant = GoOoOoOallllll
20. Screwing your girl and your mum shows up in your room = INJURY....
2. Dating a girl today and having sex on the same day = FREE-KICK.
3. Condom = GOALKEEPER
4. Condom breaks = PENALTY
5. Abortion = RED CARD
6. A girl with lots of energy = CAPTAIN
7. Having sex without a condom = OWN GOAL
8. Taking a lot of time without cuming = MAN OF THE MATCH.
9. Banging 3 girls in a day = HAT-TRICK.
10. Having many chicks and banging all = MVP
11. Having sex with your ex = FRIENDLY MATCH
12. 8 years of sex without getting a child = ARSENAL
13. After 2 rounds, you request for more =EXTRA TIME.
14. Taking it gently when having sex = FAIR PLAY
15. Biting her nipples = SUAREZ
16.Two legs on shoulder = THROWING
17. Asking her 'how do you want it' = Taking instructions on the sideline.
18. A lady using pills after sex and later still got pregnant = DEFENSIVE ERROR
19.Girl being pregnant = GoOoOoOallllll
20. Screwing your girl and your mum shows up in your room = INJURY....
Labels:
jokes
A Love Letter From Your Blackberry
Dear Owner,
I'm so lucky I'm your BlackBerry!
You hold me with both hands gently as you
could be.
You ensure that I am always with you.
If I fall you are afraid of my injury.
I always have your undivided attention,
you get upset if others disturb our time
together.
You can never forget me in a taxi and you
won't let
me go unlike my old friends Nokia, Sony and
Samsung that you would proudly just hand
over.
When you eat, I'm beside you. When you are
on the
toilet, I'm with you. When you sleep my head
is by
your pillow.
When I scream you rush and pick me up like
an egg.
When I feel low, you make every effort to
recharge my
battery. When I am hungry, you fill me with
airtime.
You buy me all sorts of clothes to cover my
precious skin. And if I make
you feel like a cowboy you strap
me to your waist or jeans.
Every month you ensure that you set aside
the money, to buy me bundles
(of love).
You upgraded me from my friends Nokia,
Sony and Samsung to a Curve,
Bold & Torch.
You rush home from work and spend quality
time with me; not really
bothered to make a conversation with those
at home.
You can sit up with me for hours and smile at
me, yet I have no humanly
emotions; sometimes I make you laugh that
people think you're mad.
I watch your wife/hubby or your bf/gf who
envies our time together.
But dearie...
I appeal to you.
Your life is wasted because of me.Take some
time, leave me aside and
Sort out issues that are important to you
because I may love you as
much as you do love me but I'm just a
blackberry, nothing more!.
Yours sincerely
Blackberry with Love!
I'm so lucky I'm your BlackBerry!
You hold me with both hands gently as you
could be.
You ensure that I am always with you.
If I fall you are afraid of my injury.
I always have your undivided attention,
you get upset if others disturb our time
together.
You can never forget me in a taxi and you
won't let
me go unlike my old friends Nokia, Sony and
Samsung that you would proudly just hand
over.
When you eat, I'm beside you. When you are
on the
toilet, I'm with you. When you sleep my head
is by
your pillow.
When I scream you rush and pick me up like
an egg.
When I feel low, you make every effort to
recharge my
battery. When I am hungry, you fill me with
airtime.
You buy me all sorts of clothes to cover my
precious skin. And if I make
you feel like a cowboy you strap
me to your waist or jeans.
Every month you ensure that you set aside
the money, to buy me bundles
(of love).
You upgraded me from my friends Nokia,
Sony and Samsung to a Curve,
Bold & Torch.
You rush home from work and spend quality
time with me; not really
bothered to make a conversation with those
at home.
You can sit up with me for hours and smile at
me, yet I have no humanly
emotions; sometimes I make you laugh that
people think you're mad.
I watch your wife/hubby or your bf/gf who
envies our time together.
But dearie...
I appeal to you.
Your life is wasted because of me.Take some
time, leave me aside and
Sort out issues that are important to you
because I may love you as
much as you do love me but I'm just a
blackberry, nothing more!.
Yours sincerely
Blackberry with Love!
Labels:
jokes
The Most Funniest Dialog...
Teacher: what is a verb?
Moses: A verb is a valve in a bicycle Tyre.
Teacher: what are you saying.
Moses: it is a complete sentence Sir.
Teacher: are you mad?
Moses: it is a question Sir.
Teacher: Don't be stupid?
Moses: its an advice Sir.
Teacher: stop that nonsense.
Moses: it is a command Sir.
Teacher: you are an idiot.
Moses: its an insult Sir.
Teacher: get out of my class.
Moses: it is an order Sir.
Teacher: oh! goodness what a boy!!!
Moses: its an exclamation Sir.
Teacher: May God have mercy upon u.
Moses: its a prayer Sir.
Teacher: you need to see a Doctor.
Moses: its a suggestion Sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Moses: its your choice Sir..
Moses: A verb is a valve in a bicycle Tyre.
Teacher: what are you saying.
Moses: it is a complete sentence Sir.
Teacher: are you mad?
Moses: it is a question Sir.
Teacher: Don't be stupid?
Moses: its an advice Sir.
Teacher: stop that nonsense.
Moses: it is a command Sir.
Teacher: you are an idiot.
Moses: its an insult Sir.
Teacher: get out of my class.
Moses: it is an order Sir.
Teacher: oh! goodness what a boy!!!
Moses: its an exclamation Sir.
Teacher: May God have mercy upon u.
Moses: its a prayer Sir.
Teacher: you need to see a Doctor.
Moses: its a suggestion Sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Moses: its your choice Sir..
Labels:
jokes
FUNNY JOHNNY
Girl: I'm warning you, my Mummy is coming back soon..
JOHNNY: But I'm not doing anything..
Girl: That's why I'm warning you.
================
Hurry up
CASHIER: This is the 5th movie ticket you've bought tonight Sir, Why?..
JOHNNY: Yes, that I.diot at the entrance keeps tearing it.
================
TEACHER: What's your favorite flower?..JOHNNY: Chrysanthemum..
TEACHER: Spell it..
JOHNNY: I was joking o. My favorite flower is Rose R-O-S-E
================
Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Johnny walked straight to the ugly girl.
JOHNNY: Hello!
Ugly girl: Hi!!
JOHNNY: Wanna dance?
Ugly Girl: Yes (excited)
JOHNNY: OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend.
================
JOHNNY: But I'm not doing anything..
Girl: That's why I'm warning you.
================
Hurry up
CASHIER: This is the 5th movie ticket you've bought tonight Sir, Why?..
JOHNNY: Yes, that I.diot at the entrance keeps tearing it.
================
TEACHER: What's your favorite flower?..JOHNNY: Chrysanthemum..
TEACHER: Spell it..
JOHNNY: I was joking o. My favorite flower is Rose R-O-S-E
================
Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Johnny walked straight to the ugly girl.
JOHNNY: Hello!
Ugly girl: Hi!!
JOHNNY: Wanna dance?
Ugly Girl: Yes (excited)
JOHNNY: OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend.
================
Labels:
jokes
Bibical Dating...{MUST READ}
Boy: Do you have a boyfriend?
Girl: Nope. I don't want to have a boyfriend.
Boy: Gen. 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Girl: But I don't love you.
Boy: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."
Girl: But how can I be sure that you're loyal and honest?
Boy: Mark 13:31 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
Girl: But I'm busy, I'm still studying.
Boy: Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Girl: But why me? There are a lot of girls out there.
Boy: Proverbs 31:29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Girl: But what is in me that you like?
Boy: Song of Solomon 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling there is no flaw in you."
Girl: But I'm not beautiful.
Boy: Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Girl: What do you want to happen?
Boy: 2 Corinthians 2:4 "For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you."...
Girl: Nope. I don't want to have a boyfriend.
Boy: Gen. 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Girl: But I don't love you.
Boy: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."
Girl: But how can I be sure that you're loyal and honest?
Boy: Mark 13:31 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
Girl: But I'm busy, I'm still studying.
Boy: Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Girl: But why me? There are a lot of girls out there.
Boy: Proverbs 31:29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Girl: But what is in me that you like?
Boy: Song of Solomon 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling there is no flaw in you."
Girl: But I'm not beautiful.
Boy: Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Girl: What do you want to happen?
Boy: 2 Corinthians 2:4 "For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you."...
Labels:
jokes
